Establish the Relationship with "I Notice" Statements

Needless to say, some of the phrases that we adults use when we speak to children are not helpful.  Even if your intentions are good, negative phrases not only discourage these kids, but also unnecessarily hurt them.  I often tell my students about scars.  If you fall and get a scar on your knee, it hurts, but pretty soon it heals.  If you make someone's heart scar, although it is an invisible mark, it will not go away like a physical scar will.

Check this out.  You get one point for each phrase you have ever said to anyone (adults and children included);

1. You are lazy.

2. You are not trying hard.

3. You are not focused.

4. You are always making excuses.

5. You will not good enough.

How many points did you get?  If you have ever used even one, it is time to think seriously about the relationships with the people around you, especially the relationships with children.  First of all, phrases starting with "You" make a "fixed" situation.  These statements define who these children are.  In most cases, these phrases will not encourage children of any fields, in school or in sports.

This week, I would like to challenge you.  Instead of using "You" statements, try to use "I notice" statements.  Describe what kids are doing in as much detail as possible.  If you whisper to the specific person, that is even a plus.  For instance, "Mary, I notice your toes are pointy."  Some researchers suggest including 1 negative "I notice" statement for every 5 positive "I notice statements.  However, I really want you familiarize yourself with the phrase, "I notice" by using it as much as you can.  Kids will be empowered now that you are focusing on them.  If there are too many people in a group, you can plan whom you might focus on each day.  "I notice" statements make kids feel that you care about them.  Soon they want you to notice them more.  Yes, they will start to want to form a relationship with you. 

Another tip for "I notice" statements is related to the use of negative "I notice" comments.  When you make negative "I notice" comments, try to ask the child if they agree.  For instance, "Mary, I noticed your running speed is not fast enough during your vault run.  What do you think you can do next time?"  Mary might say, "I will move my arms faster." Let her try her own solution.  Let her fail.  If Mary is a motivated child, she will come to you, "It doesn’t work.  What should I do coach?"  If Mary is hesitant to ask, you can approach her, "I think you should move your legs higher, etc."  (Notice, the coach starting with "I")

You might feel awkward using  "I notice" statements at first, but pretty soon you will notice and sense a different attitude from the children.  Continue using "I notice" statements for a week.  At the end of the week, write your self-reflection in a journal, starting with 'I notice."  For instance, "I notice I feel more comfortable using 'I notice' statements.  I notice Mary is more eager to improve.  I notice I feel happy when my gymnasts work hard.”  ANYTHING counts! 

Try for a week and comment below if you notice something positive!

Growth Mindset with Building Relationship Languages

Do you remember when you worked really hard and you still couldn't make it?  What did your coach (teacher, parents, any adult figures) tell you?  What was the most effective way that you could do to encourage and keep engaging young learners and athletes in their activities?

In 4th grade, I worked hard on math story problems that had something to do with bananas and oranges.  In spite of my effort, this problem was so complicated for me and it never made sense.  (Details in this link) My 4th grade teacher told me, "You don't have to know it," after the third time I asked her about the same math question.  

In 10th grade, I prepared the Beethoven's sonata for my next piano lesson.  I wanted to impress my teacher with what he told me last time, composer's emotion.  After my extra hard work, he said, "You are not showing Beethoven's intention through this phrase."

In my Junior year in college, I began to learn swimming with the proper form.  I even read a swimming book to improve my arms' movement.  At the next lesson, she said, "You move your arms Awkwardly."

Notice how all of these teachers used "YOU" in their comments. "You" statements often happen when coaches are frustrated.  They teach so hard but their learners don't perform as well as they wish.  Coaches are desperate of their inability of control.  It is unfortunate for coaches to blame learners for their own frustration. As they make blame with "You" comments, coaches are also making a distance from their learners.

Also, "You" statements are the "Fixed" mindset language that creates Fixed Mindset learners. Labeling their learners sets limitation among young learners then, soon they stop working hard because they think it is their limit.  Learners begin to think that no matter how hard they work, they won't be enough.

I propose to use questioning to help learners resilience.  

What if my 4th grade teacher asked me, "Can you tell me what you know so far?"   Then, she could continue with, "Well, this is what I think you are stuck on.  What do you think?"  Would I have tried again instead of giving up?

What if my piano teacher asked me, "What did you think you did well in this piece?  How do you know?"  Then, he could say, "I interpret that part differently.  Would you like to try it this way?"  Would I have thought that there might have been different ways to make certain expressions?

What if my swimming coach asked me, "How did you use your arms?"  Then, she could say, "I have some tips.  Would you like to know?"  Would I have been curious about "another" trick other than my book?

Questioning gives learners their ownership.  They are the ones who make mistakes.  And they are the ones who find solutions, at least they would think they are, with a proper guidance.  The ownership empowers young learners and makes them resilient.  They become to want to make more mistakes.  Because they believe mistakes make them grow.  

Also, questioning creates a two-way communication.  Although coaches' authority is highly respected, learners pay more attention to their own actions by answering coaches' questions.  In other words, they become more likely accountable on their performance.

The coaches must be the great navigators and facilitators who make their learners believe in themselves with the building-relationship-languages that promote growth mindsets.  While you are making learners believe in themselves, learners are also believing in you as well.  The growth mindsets are created by coaches and their learners, together, on the same page.    

In sports, spontaneous things happen and we tend to react to it.  But take one breath and make growth mindset comments.  "Wow, you did it!  What did you do differently?"   "Yikes, did you notice what went wrong?"  If learners see their mistakes as learning opportunities guided by a growth mindset coach, they will outperform over those who keep a fixed mindset, according to the research by Carol Dweck.

Now, which phrase would you choose to say when you see your learners make mistakes next time?  "You are wrong.  You are lazy!" or "What do you think you have to do next?"

What Writing Memoir Means

Whenever I hear stories from people, I ask, "Have you started to write about it yet?"  Most people say no.  I can imagine many reasons why they don't write their own stories.  However, I would say, "why not?" 

I remember how insignificant I thought my life was at age 11.  The writing that won in the contest was about the connection between this 11 year old girl, same age as me, and her grandmother. Finding her grandmother's belongings, some kind of jewelry, made her appreciate after her funeral.  I submitted my own writing to the same contest, and my name was not as big as hers in the magazine.  My name was the tiniest among 300 other applicants who participated.    And I lamented, "Well, my writing didn't win, because I don't have any tragedy in my life yet.   The winner's grandmother died, but not my grandmother yet.  My grandmother was yelling at me from downstairs, "Take the laundry in!  It is going to rain soon!"  I couldn't make this episode as a topic for the writing contest.  I pathetically thought no one was interested in my day-to-day frustration about my life.  Reading my daily frustration ,in my diary, would make me angry.  So I didn’t write any irritating events.  But these frustrated incidents didn't get away from me and they haunted me time to time.

Several years later, I learned that talking about my experiences and my thoughts about them would make me feel lighter.  I noticed that I didn't have to drag my burden anywhere after I exposed my past memories to random people, family members, and a therapist. Little by little, in some occasions, I found that telling stories helped me.  That's when I began thinking about writing my experiences.  I wanted to free myself.  I wanted people to know that they were not alone.  I wanted everyone to know that they would get over it, if I could.  I wanted to let people know they could, too, be free when they open up.  You cannot measure or compare your tragic episodes to others'.  When you feel severe pain, physically and emotionally, it is a tragedy.  Everybody has pain even if it doesn't look like it.  Some people manage their pain well and some don't.  I chose to manage my pain by writing.

Soon I realized my painful memories were not just pain, but lessons that made me grow who I am today.  I say and act in certain ways just because I now can notice, accept, and appreciate a present moment. Perhaps I was afraid of being judged if I told my pain to someone, then.  I cannot change the past.  I don't want my past to take over and haunt me.  If you choose to learn how to live with a past that cannot be changed, you can.  Pick up a notebook and start jotting down your memories, good and bad.  I had more than 40 bullet points when I started.

More than a decade, 40 bullet points became a book, Gift of Gratitude: Lessons from the Classroom.  Writing a memoir means facing yourself and choosing to move forward.